For a Psychology class in Childhood Development at Manatee Jr. College, many years ago, I wrote a paper entitled, "Nature vs. Nurture." I explored the two strongest forces that form personhood. I concluded that by a large margin, Nurture, or environment and parenting, played a larger role that Nature, or biology, in determining who the child became. Thirty-two years and three adult children later, I would come to a different conclusion. Today I believe that tiny infant cradled in your arms is already programmed to be who he will be as an adult. Of course, I am not denying the role of parental nurturing and guidance. However, I think, "they come like they come," is an accurate statement. 

As most parents of grown kids will tell you, it was evident from the little saplings, who would be an oak, who would be a cypress, and who would be a maple tree. Our first born, Chris, was as active as a hummingbird. At three months, he always wanted to be held in a standing position on your lap, facing outward, with his legs bouncing, so he could best observe the world. And that is how he is today; his mind is always three steps ahead, not wanting to miss a thing. Words tumble out of him rapid fire. We jokingly remind him to slow down for the rest of us. 

At two months of age, Lauren already had opinions and definite ideas about the world, including how she wanted to be held. And her uncanny powers of observation were evident in toddlerhood. Good luck trying to sneak anything past her! And that is how she is today: confident, with a great ability to size up situations and have a practical plan of action. 

As an infant, I would describe Derek as nondemanding; he was an easy baby who just went with the flow and smiled at everyone. And yes, that is reflected in his adult personality. He has a natural warmth that makes others feel comfortable. He is independent and figures most things out on his own (or else he googles them!). 

Recently I asked my family members for their opinions on these forces and here are the results in % form: Larry and I both said Nature 70/ Nurture 30, Chris (after giving a politically correct 50/50) committed to Nature 35/ Nurture 65, Lauren thought Nature 30/ Nurture 70, and Derek registered in with Nature 60/ Nurture 40. I find it fascinating that we all have a different perspective.

Parenting is such a slippery thing; by the time you start understanding it, your kids are grown. I wish that when my kids were young, I had paid more attention to the advice of those with grown offspring; they have a different vantage point and perspective, having already navigated some of those turbulent waters. I will shamefully admit that I arrogantly assumed my kids would never do so-and-so because of the way we were raising them. I can hear some of you smiling. We have wonderful, and very normal children. 

When my children were young, I was a micro manager of olympic caliber. I had such ideals and goals that I wanted to institute in my family. Going back to my original theory, perhaps that is just how I am wired. Or perhaps my childhood was riddled with holes from my father's death and my mother's health issues and this was my chance to create the perfect, nurturing nest for my own baby birds. Being able to manage every detail of my kids' young lives made me feel like I could provide a perfect, safe world for them. I inhaled deeply and savored that feeling. 

My bubble of illusion sprang a leak when five year old Christopher shot a utility staple in his eye. For months I was distraught, realizing that irreparable damage had been done. This was not part of my paradigm. If I tried hard enough, I thought I could find a solution for any problem my kids faced. I remember my wise sister Linda telling me once, as I fretted about Christopher's eye, "sometimes things happen to our children that are beyond our control and we have to accept living in an imperfect world." Sage words indeed. 

Teenage years are hard! We raise kids to fly and leave the nest, but how terrifying when they start making their own decisions. Trust me, you will wish that the big, bad monster was processed sugar and cow's milk! I used to have so much wisdom and advise on raising kids. Today, I am grateful for grace, and that my kids have extended grace to me with my perfectionistic ways.

So since you asked (or didn't), here is some simple advice from the perspective of a seasoned parent:

1. Never forget that your spouse is your first priority. Children come and go, so cultivate that marital friendship.

2. Sometimes you need to be the firm authority, but work hard to develop a respectful relationship with your child. When they first learn to fly with their own wings, the relational chords may be the only ties to them for awhile.

3. Try not to over control; yes, you can manage that puppet show when they are small, but soon enough, the marionette strings are gone and they have free will. It will be a shock to your system.

4. Forge wonderful memories and traditions together. They last a lifetime and provide such joy in the remembering and recounting.

Is it more Nature or Nurture? I am curious what you think. I feel deep gratitude to be at this point in my life and have a strong bond and friendship with each of my adult children. That is a gracious gift which I treasure!