One of my favorite things in all the world is to appear unflappable, with everything in my life under control. I am certain a good therapist could explain why I have this deep need to project competence. More importantly, this is pretty much the antithesis of the gospel of Jesus, who came to heal the sick, and not those purporting health, while covered head to toe in bandages.
A year ago, I was viciously verbally attacked by someone. The highly personal onslaught caught me blindsided and resulted in many hours spent in introspection, examining my motives and my approach to life. What I came to realize was that God used what was intended to harm, for growth in me. I often do have twisted, selfish motives for what masquerades as kindness. I do try to put a positive spin on the recounting of my life's details. Part of the human condition is that we are rotten at the core. This was an established fact in God's Word, as far back as Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know it?" Yes, I am guilty as charged.
There are a number of newly wedded couples in my world. As a way to encourage them, and in the interest of being painfully honest, I am posing this question to some of you more seasoned married folk: what were one or two of the issues that you had to tackle in the early years of your wedded bliss? Marital adjustments are like belly buttons: we all have them. I wish that in our first years of marriage, I had heard stories from some happily married couples who had been wed for many years, regaling the early storms they weathered. It is so comforting to know that others struggle too. Recently, I was recounting some of our early adjustments to a young couple; there was knowing laughter and twinkling eyes and affirmation, that yes, they have similar bumps in the road.
The main challenge in our marriage's infancy, was learning to fight fairly. Now Larry and I are quite compatible. We have enough common values and interests to make us best friends, but not so alike that one of us is unnecessary. I would describe Larry as methodical and calm, which I find secure and anchoring. He accepts and appreciates my frenetic energy, and is not annoyed with my need to leave no stone unturned. We rarely had big blowups. To some degree, we are all influenced by our homes of origin. I think it is a true statement to say that healthy conflict resolution was not a priority in either of our homes. Larry is masterful at masking his feelings, and I have this deep need to lay everything bare.
Perhaps it was an unmet expectation, or an assumption made, but sometimes we would find our loving selves locked in verbal combat. I quickly realized how powerful a weapon silence was. At the dawn of our marriage, we had vowed to never go to sleep angry with each other. Some nights it would be 2 am, with us hugging opposite sides of the bed, daring or willing the other one to make the first reconciliatory move, each stewing in our own hurt. I was very adept at this cold silence, mostly because I saw how effective it was at inflicting pain on Larry. Heaven forbid if he ever were to fall asleep before we resolved the issue; that next morning coffee would be a bitter cup to drink. Fortunately the conflicts were rare.
Larry told me once that I was good at everything, even the silent treatment. Ouch. That was painful to hear. How selfish is it to want to hurt those we love the most?! Often we show more kindness and deference to strangers than to our own family members. I espouse the 90/10 theory of marriage. We adore 90% of that unbelievable creature whom we are lucky enough to call our soulmate. Somehow in the mundaneness of daily life together, our focus starts shifting to the 10%, the part that annoys us and needs fixing. My aspiration is to be a 90% wife and remember that I have an undesirable 10% as well. True love means accepting each other, just as we are.
Another thorn that threatened to deflate our marital happiness balloon, was our differing thoughts about time. Honestly, this was not a problem until we had kids, and I chose to stay home full time and manage the household. I am a plotter and am not always the most flexible to evolving plans. And I am married to a physician. Perhaps we were having friends over for dinner. He was sure that he would be home by 6 pm. Inevitably, the guests would show up and no husband. Doctors always get a pass for being late; after all, their reasons are unarguably legitimate. They are saving lives! And in the background, there often was a very frustrated and angry wife.
You should have seen us try to leave for a family vacation. There would be a plane to catch, but Larry always have dozens of lose ends to tie up at the office, before he headed out of town. I would pack everything, load the kids in the car, wait outside the hospital until Larry would come running. With a ticking clock, I would drive us to the airport while he finished making phone calls. We would push through security (not a huge ordeal in our little town, but still!) and often barely have time to sit at our gate before we were boarding. On occasion, Larry would dare to say, "see, that was timed perfectly!" Mad at each other is not a desirable way to start a vacation.
How did we work through these threats to marital bliss? What cured me of utilizing the silent treatment was my husband developing a serious illness some years into our marriage. Being confronted with the fragility of life totally changed my perspective. Life is too short and precious to play games. I don't knowingly try to hurt him anymore, and I attempt to beat him at initiating reconciliation, when we have a disagreement. And for the record, Larry is now in good health.
The different sense of time was a bit more tricky to reconcile. I remember thinking one day that his job was what it was. I could either be mad when he got home late, or I could choose to just accept the disruption of my plans and be happy to see him. It had something to do with putting big girl panties on. I devised a somewhat effective way to deal with time urgency and travel. My style is to build extra time into airport travel in order to be prepared for the unexpected. Now, whenever we figure out the travel timeline, I ask Larry whose time frame we are working on. If he says his, then I relinquish all responsibility for not missing our flight. I simply go with the flow, am not stressed or mad, because I know that the burden rests on him. If he defers to my schedule, you can bet that we will be at the airport early, sitting at our gate, gnoshing a delightful, handmade lunch that I just happened to have in my carry-on. And there is generally harmony on the home front.
There are many more confessions where those came from, but I would love to hear about your early marital adjustments! Being honest is cathartic and can be encouraging to others along the marriage path.